My dreams have no where to go

Somewhere over the Alps

In my lower moments, I sit here and wonder: is there a plan for me?

Or is this it? Have I reached the end of the road?

I have been working on my blog, The Lemon Abroad, for almost five years now.

I have been publishing personal essays on my own website for over five years now.

I have self-published two books of poetry.

I began my YouTube channel three years ago, publishing one video a week since November.

I graduated summa cum laude in undergraduate, and with a perfect score from my Master's degree.

I have devoted many hours over the last three years to volunteer causes close to my heart.

I have lived in six countries, and traveled independently through several others over the past ten years.

I speak two languages fluently, and am learning three others.

And yet, in all this time I have never had a “real,” paying job.

I have spent countless hours on LinkedIn and other job sites, following pages related to causes I care about, applying to jobs that are relevant to me, interesting to me, jobs that I am qualified for and that I believe I would be successful in.

And when I do find these jobs, that align so closely with my CV it’s like I wrote the job description myself, I don’t even get an interview. I don’t even get the opportunity to present myself, to see if we click.

I have not been able to find organizations that are able to post jobs offering liveable wages, or even wages at all. There are plenty of options for volunteers to contribute to in their free time, but how do they expect these kind-hearted souls will be able to put food on their table? How can a position offer a salary that is on par with the average cost of a decent apartment in the city in which they are based? I would love to just be able to volunteer, it is not for lack of wanting to do good. But how I can do good if I cannot take care of myself? How can I help someone else if I cannot pay the rent on my own home?

I have studied and traveled the world. I have taken the initiative to publish my own blogs, to put myself out there. To not wait for the gatekeepers to let me in. To continue to make videos, to show up for my community through volunteer work, to give of myself and my talents where and how I can. And I can't lie. We live in a world where we need money to survive, so without financial compensation, I really feel like I am getting nothing back. I am completely drained. I am frustrated and depressed, wondering with all my potential how I cannot find a decent job. Is it me?

Logically, I know it is not just me. The amount of smart, intelligent people that I know who have not been able to find work that would take advantage of their potential is staggering. Their potential to contribute to organizations that could work to improve the lives of others and the conditions of our environment, are being lost to working in shops, in restaurants. That is not to say that not all work is meaningful: all work is important and necessary and meaningful. But one does not devote years to study in order to let that knowledge settle in the back of their brains. One goes to university to learn and implement their ideas for bettering the world, for improving the conditions of those around them, and for contributing to the greater good. One gains this knowledge so that it may be utilized, one improves themselves so that they may be useful, and appreciated.

I try to stay positive. I try to keep going. I try to tell myself that maybe tomorrow I could find my dream job, maybe tomorrow my YouTube channel could become paid source of work. But do you know what could also happen tomorrow? Nothing that I had envisioned for myself as I was writing my thesis on economic development. Nothing that I had envisioned for myself as I was graduating from a Master's degree. Nothing that would allow me the financial freedom to plan to have a family, to plan for a future. Nothing close to the impact that I hope to have, that I believe I can have on this world.

My friends who are more positively inclined tell me, “Don’t give up.” They tell me, “Do whatever you have to do to accomplish your dreams.” They tell me, “Things happen in their own time.

Right now, I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel that the world is shutting me out. My dreams have no where to go.

i wish there was something better to say,

greer