No one talks about grieving your dreams

Ustica, Sicily

I am deep in an episode of sadness. Of grief. Grieving for dreams which I don’t know if they will be realized.

My problem is that I think I know what my life will look like tomorrow, that is what my boyfriend told me. Meaning, that the only scenario I see is the one where I don’t achieve anything, the worst case scenario where I lose, I lose out, and I am a loser, for not realizing how I actually had so much around me, even if I didn’t have that one thing that I can’t get off my mind.

It’s true. I am standing in the forest and I don’t see any way out. And what’s worse, is the shame and embarrassment I have for walking myself into the forest anyway. I had to know that the deeper I went in the harder it would be to find my way out. I had to have known that, hadn’t I?

I should be closing this year proud of my accomplishments, I won’t list them here but I know I crossed many goals off my list. I got to travel, spend time with old friends, and make friends with new ones. I am healthy, and so is my family, and I am in love. And yet somehow in these days I find myself unable to stop crying.

By crossing one goal off of my list, which was to get a job, and thereby also accomplishing something that is not a small feat - that of getting accepted to a PhD program, I have now become entangled in a bramble of strings attached and requirements that had I known about beforehand, I probably would not even have considered applying to this particular program. What I thought would lead me closer to accomplishing other goals - by getting me in the Italian working system, by lessening the financial pressure, by giving me time to develop my YouTube channel audience to eventually monetize it - instead seems to be taking me farther away. The program is set to last three years - 1047 more days, as I am sitting here writing this - and in that time I must finish my research while also completing a six-month internship, and the part that has really devastated me, studying abroad for nine months.

If it had been three years ago, when I was single and recently moved into a studio apartment, I probably would not have thought twice about temporarily storing my stuff and enjoying a few months exploring somewhere new. That is basically what I had been doing up until that point anyway, but without the security of a three-year working contract and regular monthly pay. But now, I am settling down. I am in a relationship that neither of us planned to be long-distance and honestly, has a pretty unsuccessful record of us being apart. I hoped the financial security would let me seriously consider starting a family, and now that possibility instead seems farther away than ever. That is really the part that brings me to tears as I type this, right now. I don’t know when that moment would have been without that stipulation, but with it I spend every day just thinking about the calendar of the next three years, and how much I feel I am giving away.

I also worry that I am self-sabotaging my YouTube channel, my other baby, the project I have been working on for years now, as I was informed on the day after I began the PhD that any additional work with earnings (vague) has to be approved by the board of the department, a far cry from the information that was provided when I signed the contract, which only mentioned that the PhD is considered our full-time job, and it makes sense that you should not have an additional full-time job, because then when else would you be writing? But it didn’t mention that you couldn’t have hobbies, or should have to divest from them. Not to mention that I am trying to plan for the day after October 31, 2026. I wanted, I want, to use this time to build stability and make investments in my future.

Just to be clear, no one has yet to tell me I won’t be able to monetize my YouTube channel or start a family (I mean, they really couldn’t tell me, all they can do is make it really, really difficult to plan). Or that should it come to that, that I couldn’t decide to just walk away should something more important or significant come up. But my own negative self-talk is doing a pretty good job convincing me that no good will come of this. And so what was supposed to be my fresh start has instead sent me into a dark place, and I don’t see the light leading me out.

So what to do? Today is over, I will try to wake up tomorrow and just take it day-by-day. Try to enjoy as much as I can and hope that that is enough to block out the sadness, the worry, the grief I feel that I have just signed my dreams away. I will keep working, keep saving, keep building my dreams as much as I can. And I will try to savour my life, because I know that I have been blessed with so much. I will also try to fix my perspective, which I know is very skewed right now, and try to put things in their correct order of importance. I also know well how fast things can change, and how unimaginably different things may, will be six months from now. But only if I keep working on myself, my projects, my relationships, and my mindset. Only if I hang on dearly to who and what I love.

I am writing this because it is honest, it is what I am feeling today, even if tomorrow I wake up and this all feels irrational. These worries and concerns are serious doubts, and this is my one and only life, my one and only chance to make my dreams come true. The thought of delaying them, of being apart from the people I love, has devastated me. I don’t think these questions will leave me anytime soon, but I have no choice but to believe I will find a solution, whatever that may be. My hope is that I will come back to this writing in six months, in a year, on October 31, 2026 and that I will have made it all work, or at least made something work for me. Until then, well we’ll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe it will bring something better than I could imagine.

love,

greer