On Finding Ease in the Stickiness
Desert Botanical Garden, Arizona
I am a recovering control freak. I say recovering because I really do want to let go. I really do want to live in the present. But, as I imagine most of us do, I often find myself in the stickiness. You know, those periods where things are kind of up in air, unsettled, uncertain. Days and weeks and months when you are waiting on news, or on something to be resolved. Things that can take a long time just to have an answer on. But what about in the meantime? In the meantime, when you already submitted the application, when you are waiting on the test results. When there is nothing left to do for your sticky situation but to hang back and wait. What are we supposed to do then?
Usually, in my life up in until now, I have obsessively fixated on whatever situation this was, letting it control my thoughts day and night, distracting me from the then-present moments. Presents moments when I could have been working on something else, making progress on another project, or simply spending my time doing something I enjoy. I would let myself give into anxiety and intrusive, obsessive thoughts that robbed me of precious time with family and friends. That prevented me from enjoying my time in the meantime, or from exploring other projects.
I was always looking forward to a “when.”
“I’ll be happy when…”
“I’ll be able to relax when…”
“I won’t be worried anymore when…”
Maybe you already know the ending to this story, but “when” never came. There was always some new sticky situation, real or imagined, that would come up. And after years, decades of this, I have finally begun to realize that there may never be a time when things are not sticky. So it’s up to me to figure out how to live in it. To accept that there is something sticky, and there is nothing I can do about it. And moreover, to find peace in that. To not only not let it occupy my thoughts but to live alongside them, and not let them overpower my present moment. It’s not easy. The stickiness can be super-sticky, and like gum on your shoe it can follow you all over, reminding you with every step of its presence. I haven’t found the answer yet, but I’m working on acceptance first. Accepting that things are sometimes sticky and that’s just how it is. I try to look around me, and really appreciate all of the beautiful people I have around me and how fortunate I am for everything. I try to look around for something real I can grab ahold of, and try to bring myself back to the present, gum and all.
love,
greer