On Patience, On Perfectionism, On Being Scared

Palermo, Sicily

Patience.

Patience is absolutely the most difficult virtue I have yet to conquer. I am incredibly impatient and that often leads to frustration and disappointment, given that good things take time and that the rest of the world does not revolve around me and my needs. When everything is going smoothly, it is easy to be patient, but in moments like the one I am living now, I instead find myself often in a state of anxiety and frustration.

It is little things, like waiting on the city to update my address (trust me, it is more stressful than it sounds), to big things like trying to build my business in a place where I don’t know the rules of the game, I don’t have my built-in network or inherent instinct. I find myself walled-in before I can even begin, knowing that I may have to step in some mud before I find the stable path.

At this point I realize my lack of patience is directly connected to my deeply-ingrained perfectionism, which has been sabotaging me since I was a child. Unable to do anything unless it was perfectly, I would rather just give-up than perform sub-par. Like when I realized how far behind I was in my first cross-country race, I just walked off the track rather than finish last. Or on the first day of geometry class, when I understood that it was beyond my comprehension, I subconsciously chose not to try rather than to try and fail.

At this point in my life, however, I do not have any more time to waste. I am not getting yesterday back, and therefore it is time to move forward, mud and all. I am scared, by both the realization that my business may not take off, or may only perform so-so. I am scared, by the fact that I have to put myself out there, to meet new people who can competently help me in the areas where I do not know basically anything. I am scared, of all of those things that I do not know. But fundamentally, I am more scared to not try. I am more scared to face another day of seeing other people go after their dreams when I know I am not going after my own. But more so, I am tired of not living up to my own potential, when I know I am capable of so much more.

Because once I begin, I know I will learn. I will learn about all those things I need to do, and I will find professionals who know what they are doing where I do not. I will learn what works, and what doesn’t. I have to accept that things will not be perfect, in order to have something. Because right now, not only do I not have a perfect business, but I have no business. And I must learn to be patient. Because things take time, but even more so here. I have to learn to live in the uncertainty, because things are actually always uncertain.

So while I am very, very scared, there isn’t time to waste. Seeds that sit on the shelf will never sprout. Now is the time to jump in the mud, to plant my dreams, and help them grow.

love,

greer