All or Nothing

Castel dell”Ovo, Napoli

A little while ago, I was traveling in Napoli and staying in a hostel, which opens you up to meet people you would probably never otherwise meet, let alone be sleeping in the same room with six bunk beds and five other strangers. But I most often find that even when I am traveling alone, I don’t stay alone for long because I will inevitably meet people to go out to dinner with or visit a museum.

On this evening, we went out to my favorite pizzeria in Napoli, and then stopped for drinks in the piazza outside the hostel. We talked about a lot of things, and I learned about her life, which sounded very cool. At one point, and I don’t remember what we were even talking about, she said something that struck me to my core, and has remained with me ever since. She said, “If it’s all or nothing, it’s always going to be nothing.”

I believe one of the reasons this struck me was because in that moment I knew these were words that would have an impact on me in some way, but I also knew that I was not fully able to grasp their profoundness. I also remember being taken aback, because I am generally an “all or nothing” person. I have a hard time living in the middle, in that sticky part where I should be so grateful for the bounty I know I have, but let the absence of one thing or another make me fail to appreciate everything else. Some days I can be so lost.

And then some days, I remember how fortunate I am, and I don’t mean about having material things. I mean about having my family, having my partner, having our health. We are not guaranteed anything in this life. And I am reminded of this night in Napoli, and hearing that phrase. If I fail to appreciate what I have now, then I will certainly be regretful once it is gone. If I can’t live in peace with things as they are, even when they aren’t “perfect” or I don’t feel that I have everything together, then I will never be content with what I have. Something will always be missing. And I will be the person who had everything she needed, everything she could have ever wanted, and failed to appreciate that, failed to appreciate them. And that is not the person I want to be.

If it’s all or nothing, it’s always going to be nothing. These words sound harsh, but I am saying them to myself first, writing them here so I can look back and remember. Live for today with what you have in front of you. With everything you have in front of you. The people you love. Spend as much time with them as you can. Try to be patient and try to have fun. We are never going to have it all. But trust me, one day you will look back and realize you already had everything.

love,

greer