When you feel lost

Palermo, Sicily

This past week has not been an easy one. Back in a red zone lockdown after almost a year when our lives changed forever, I spend most of the day studying and feeling lonely.

It’s hard to remember who you are when you don’t interact with many other people. It’s hard to remember where you are, when at the moment if someone were to ask me where I live I would say, “in my apartment.” I can see myself focusing on the negatives, the problems real or imaginary, the things I don’t have. How things are not going the way I had imagined.

And I try to come back to the present, I do. I list the things I have to be grateful for, which I so, so am. I remember the blessings I am taking for granted. But when you feel as though you are sitting under a dark cloud, and it’s cold, it is not as easy as saying, “but somewhere, someday there is the sun.'“ It is hard to imagine how things can change when you are stuck in one place.

Perhaps the one thing that keeps pushing me forward this week, giving me a raison d’être, is that my exams are beginning soon. I must study, and so, I do. Even if it’s not the most fun, life-affirming activity. Right now, it’s what I have.

It can be difficult to find purpose and have perspective when you are alone, or feel alone. When you are literally not leaving your house, you may feel as though your life isn’t really going anywhere. Trying to cheer myself up with positive aphorisms wasn’t helping; I had to acknowledge that yes, this felt bad. And hope that it wouldn’t feel that way forever.

This pause has lasted longer than I could have imagined, and I am just hoping that I am making some progress while we wait. One day soon I hope to be again walking by the sea with the wind on my face when lockdown is over. I hope to be embracing my family when it is safe to visit them after more than a year away. I hope that one day I find the place where I feel like I belong.

I hope, and so I keep going.

love,

greer